C is for Vala Mal Doran, Contretemps Extraordinaire!
by Eilidh17

“Come on, Daniel, its only lunch.  Nothing wrong with friends sharing fond moments over a meal, is there?  It’s not like we’re going on a date.”
Rolling his eyes in exasperation, Daniel groaned, “Not going on a date.” His plans for a productive day had dwindled down to him being shadowed by Vala every time he left his office, and sometimes while he was still in it.  Timing being what is was—in this case, very bad—SG-1 were between missions.  So, while Daniel had a pyramid-sized pile of work to excavate, Vala was—
“I’m so bored. Don’t make me beg.” Swishing her hair in Daniel’s face she jutted her chin out definitely.  “It’s so yesterday.”
“No begging, and no lunch.” Not even bothering to meet her gaze, Daniel shifted the pile of files in his arms—destined for the linguistics and anthropology department—and tried to look like they held more interest for him than the pony-tailed mosquito currently buzzing in his ear.  Coming to a halt and rocking gently back on his heels, he heaved a resigned sigh. “Isn’t there something, anything else you could be doing other than annoying me?”
Vala buffed her nails on her black shirt and held them up into the light, admiring her recent manicure.  “Oh, darling,” she cooed appreciatively. “Unless there’s a sale on DeLafée I don’t know about or the once a year panty bonanza at Victoria’s Secret has been brought forward a month, then no… not really.”
Blinking his confusion, Daniel decided he really didn’t want to know what she was rambling about, but his traitorous mouth had other plans.  “De la… ‘Of the fairy?’”
“No, no, Daniel: DeLafée choc-o-late… Imported, Swiss, and the most wonderful, creamily seductive treat in the entire galaxy.” She settled her hands on her hips for dramatic effect. “Did you know each little morsel is dipped in edible gold flake?”
“Really?  You don’t say.”
“Uh-huh,” she nodded earnestly. “Real gold.  Seems your rather quaint little planet prefers to eat its treasure rather than hoard it for a day of meteor showers.”
“What?” Daniel’s brows settled in a confused heap on the bridge of his nose before shooting up in surprise.  “It’s called a rainy day.”
“Well.” Vala tossed one hand out in front of her and huffed, “We all know it doesn’t rain in space.  Meteors showers, on the other hand, are quite a—”
A tight smile on his face, eyes closed, Daniel held a hand up to stall her.  “Stop!” he ordered, holding the hand in place until she fell silent.  “I have no interest in gold flake-dipped chocolate.”
“Well, you would if the flakes got caught in your teeth.  Most undignified.”
“But I’m bored.”
Daniel slid his fingers under his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “And I’m busy,” he grumbled.  Shifting the awkward files in his arms, he set off towards the elevator again.
“Well, that’s it then,” Vala called after him. “I’m off.”
At last! Hoping for all the world that his captor was releasing him to an afternoon of peace and sanity, Daniel was bemused when, only a few steps later, he could sense her following him. “I thought you said you were leaving.”
“No,” Vala drawled.  “I said I’m off.”
“Off to the Victoria’s Secret sale.”
“What sale?”
“The one that I’m hoping they’ve brought forward a month.”
“What are you talking about?”
Increasing her stride, Vala caught up to Daniel easily, and twirling a lock of hair around one finger, she regarded him with concern.  “Really, Daniel.  You should pay more attention.  You asked what I could be doing and I answered with DeLafée and panties.”
Pausing briefly in his stride, Daniel stared open mouthed at Vala before snapping it closed.  “Oh, way, way too much information there.”
“What?” Vala blinked innocuously, biting back a mirthful smile.  “I have quite the fondness for chocolate and fluffy unmentionables.”
“You do know there is a reason they’re called ‘unmentionables’?”
Vala smiled sweetly and threaded her arm through his. “There is?’
Pulling away, Daniel jostled with the pile of files as he drew up to the elevator.  “Look, I don’t have time for this… this, whatever it is you’re trying to do.  Now, if you don’t mind,” he added, gesturing to the closed doors.
“Oh, but I do, darling.”  Vala’s voice took on a dejected whine as her gaze flickered up and down the deserted corridor.  “It’s just not fair, we have a whole planet of shopping to explore and we’re stuck here enjoying the weighty merits of all work and no play.  Don’t get me wrong, Cameron and Muscles are fun when they’re not being so serious, but this,” she waved absently into the air, “is not what I had in mind when I joined your merry band of treasure hunters.”
“We don’t hunt treasure, and given your rather colorful history, you should be lucky General Landry let you on the team at all.”
“Oh, yes. General Hank.  Charming man really… in a grandfatherly way.  Did I tell you about my grandfather?  Horrid, irritating little weasel.  Abhorred children.  Something I always found rather amusing since he had twenty-one of his own.”
“Va-la,” Daniel warned, his patience waning by the nanosecond.
“No! Wait! Hear me out.  Saldon, his name was.  He had five wives!” Vala held up four fingers, and quickly counting them over, frowned before flicking out her thumb. “Not a brain cell between them, but they all had fantastic child-bearing hips, or so I’m told.”  Hands back on hips, she sashayed from side to side.  “Do you think I have great child-bearing hips?  No, don’t answer that.”
Patience now plummeting even lower than the topic of conversation, Daniel pushed past Vala and punched the ‘up’ button on the elevator, all the while tapping his foot impatiently.
“So,” Vala continued on, oblivious to Daniel’s frustrations, and still admiring her wildly swinging hips.  “Saldon couldn’t stand children.  Hated them.  Do you know,” she mused, attention now drawn away from her hips as she tapped a finger on her chin in thought, “he was thought to have given several children away to a slaver in exchange for a cargo ship?  I mean, how a parent could be so-”
One arm hugging his files, Daniel smacked his forehead with his palm and closed his eyes, breathing deeply.  “What,” he ground out between clenched teeth, “does this have to with General Landry?”
With her head cocked to one side, Vala shrugged and beamed brightly.  “Nothing at all.  I just thought you might be-”
“Well don’t.”
Wearing a look that crossed between looking perplexed and confused, Vala said, “There’s no need to be rude, Daniel.”
“I’m sorry, but I just don’t have time for this.  My departments are up in arms over the lack of time and resources they’re being given before items are crated off to Area 51, and the General has me hashing out a treaty for the Timians—a mission you’re a part of.  Isn’t there something better you could be doing besides bugging me?  What about Mitchell and Teal’c?  I’m sure they’d love some company.”
“Yes, about them.” Vala pouted and crossed her arms, refusing to meet his gaze.  “I’m really no good at this whole ‘bonding’ thing,” she sulked, making air quotes with her fingers.
“This is a joke right?” Daniel wasn’t buying it. “How long have you been on this team?”
Shuddering, Vala turned defiantly away and faced the elevator door.  “It’s Muscles,” she murmured. “He doesn’t like me.  For some silly reason he can’t seem to get past me being a Goa’uld once.  Apparently, he met me one time.”
“And?  I don’t know.  Honestly, Daniel, you don’t expect me to remember every enemy Jaffa I met while I was a host?”
“No,” Daniel admitted, “but surely Teal’c must have elaborated?”
“Oh,” Vala sighed and turned to lean against the wall, picking at a hang nail.  “He had plenty to say.  Most of it I wouldn’t care to repeat in present company, the details are just too sordid.”
Not generally suspicious by nature, Daniel could tell when his chain was being yanked, and right now his Vala Lie Detector was pinging away merrily.  “None of this happened did it?” he asked, peering down at her over the top of his glasses.  “Teal’c never said a word.  In fact, I’d venture to say you never even met him, did you?
Suddenly fixated on her nuclear ruby-painted nails, Vala looked up and pursed her lips.  “No,” she admitted, “but it could have happened that way.”
“Go away.”
“Shoo,” he hissed with a flick of his wrist.  “Far, far, away.”

The End


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