~When Your Time Has Come~

 

I’ve always believed that when my time came, I would face my fears.  That in those last moments of awareness, I would be afforded a moment of clarity and be judged worthy.  The sins of my past erased, my transgressions forgiven, the sum of what I am banished to an ethereal plane of love and eternal rest.

My time hasn’t come yet, but on this day beneath a brilliant summer sun, with a light breeze whistling through the trees, I am here to face those fears… alone.

A memory haunts me; something my father told me not so long ago when I stood in this very place, clutching Charlie’s baseball cap like it was a lifeline:

“No parent should ever outlive their child….”

Like a sin of omission, I buried those words so deep in my soul, I was sure they could never hurt me… but here I am again, locked in the very same nightmare.

From the moment of Daniel’s downsizing, he’d been in pain.  The agony of a process not meant for humans had locked us all in a cycle of waiting and watching; giving comfort and love to someone who had no hope of understanding what was happening to him.  In the end, when sedation was all that could be offered, Daniel, his tiny hand clutching onto my finger, had simply closed his eyes and drifted away.

His voice silenced evermore.

It’s not a baseball cap I clutch as his tiny coffin waits to be lowered into place above Charlie’s; no… that isn’t who Daniel was.  The fabric I tease between my thumb and finger is unique to Daniel, the one thing that represented not only his courage but his family.  So as the mourners leave and I am left alone among the remains of my failures, I press the SG-1 badge from the last uniform he wore into the small wreath sitting atop his coffin. 

At this very moment, I’ve never wanted anything more than to face my fears.

The End

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