Another Avocado Story


“Jack, you’re not serious.”

“I’m deadly serious, Daniel.  Now put your hands up,” Jack ordered.

Daniel frowned and scanned the empty exercise room.

“What are you looking for,” Jack asked, “A way out?”

“The pods,” Daniel replied, looking at Jack suspiciously.

For crying out loud, Daniel.  Just put your hands up and concentrate.”

“On what?  An avocado?”

“This is not just an avocado.”  This,” Jack said, turning the thick-skinned item in question over in his hand, “is a weapon.”

“A weapon?”  Daniel cried incredulously.  “This is a joke, right?  Sam and Teal’c are hiding in the back, aren’t they?” he asked, heading back towards the equipment room.  “Sam!  Teal’c!  You can come out now!”

“Stay put, Daniel,” Jack ordered.

Daniel stopped and turned.  He stared at Jack.

“You’re serious, aren’t you?  You’re actually going to teach me how to defend myself against an avocado.  God, I can’t believe I just said that.”

Jack strode up to the younger man and prodded him in the chest with the avocado.

“Anything, Daniel, and I repeat, anything, can be used as a weapon.”

Daniel chewed his lip, cocked his head then smiled.

“No, no, no, no, no.  I know what this is about,” he said, wagging his finger at Jack.  “You finally gave in and showed Teal’c your Monty Python collection.  Right?  Am I right?  How to defend yourself against fresh fruit, wasn’t it?  That’s your favourite,” Daniel enthused, confident he had rationalized Jack’s odd behaviour.  “Nice try, Jack,” he said turning his back.  “You had me going there for a sec—ow!  What the hell?” he cried, clasping the back of his arm.  “Damn it, Jack, that hurt,” he claimed, turning around and fixing the older man with an accusatory glare.

“Why didn’t you defend yourself?”  Jack asked dryly, stooping over to pick up the intact avocado.  “Not even a bruise,” he murmured.

“Well, I am,” Daniel groused, rubbing the red patch on his skin.

“Which proves my point, Daniel.  You have to learn to defend yourself against anything, including vegetables.”

“It’s not a vegetable,” Daniel muttered.


“Avocadoes.  They’re not vegetables, they’re fruit,” Daniel explained moodily.

“They are not.”

“They are too.”

“Who the hell dips their nachos in fruit?”  Jack grumbled.

“It makes perfect sense.  I mean, you’ve already got tomatoes in the salsa,” Daniel pointed out reasonably.

“And your point is?”  Jack asked, shaking his head.

“The point is, “Daniel said haughtily, “is that tomatoes are also fruit so it only stands to—ouch!  Goddamn it, Jack!”  he snapped, clasping his now abused thigh.

“You’re lucky I didn’t aim a little more to the centre,” Jack said dangerously, retrieving his avocado.  “Tomatoes are fruit,” he snorted.  “Do you think I just fell off the turnip truck?”

“Ah, now turnips are vegetables,” Daniel said sagely.

“Daniel,” Jack said quietly, his fingers curving around the deadly projectile.

“I’m sorry, Jack and don’t hit me again,” Daniel said holding up his hands in a defensive gesture, “but tomatoes are fruit.  I mean, think about it,” he said, backing away carefully from the advancing older man.  “Fruit have seeds.  Apples, grapes, bananas, lemons, you name it.  Even, um, avocadoes and tomatoes,” he added hesitantly.

“I eat my French fries with ketchup, not with fruit,” Jack stated emphatically.

“Ketchup?  Uh, well…”

“Well what?”  Jack asked through clenched teeth.

“Well, it’s just that, well…” Daniel stammered, furrowing his brow.

“What?”  Jack repeated in a low growl, crowding Daniel back against the wall.

“You won’t hit me, will you?”  Daniel asked, his blue eyes wide and appealing.

Jack hesitated, mulling the question over in his mind.

“I won’t hit you,” he said finally.

“Can I have that?”  Daniel asked, nodding towards the avocado.

“I said I won’t hit you,” Jack repeated.

Daniel frowned but said, “Okay, I trust you, Jack.”

“Now, what about ketchup?”  Jack inquired, his dark eyes narrowing.

“Well, I thought you knew, but ketchup isn’t really made with tomatoes,” Daniel said hurriedly.  “What the hell is that?” he exclaimed, bringing his hands up defensively as Jack whipped a wicked knobbly-looking object out of his pants.

“This, Daniel, is a gourd.  A very small, very hard gourd,” Jack explained, tapping said object on Daniel’s head.  “It can do all sorts of nasty damage to undefended areas of the human body, and do you know what?”

“Um, what?”  Daniel asked worriedly.

“It has seeds,” Jack whispered, inches from Daniel’s face.

“Seeds?  Uh, so, it’s a, um…vegetable,” Daniel stated.

Jack smiled and tapped him approvingly on the forehead.

“Class dismissed.”


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  Hawk50 Nancy Bailey Carrie AnnO  
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Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. This is a parody for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted anywhere without the consent of the author.